Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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