if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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