True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
