It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
