420 ftw
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I cut my penus on the lid.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
