Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
