ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
