i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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