did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
