I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
