i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
