Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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