I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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