I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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