You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
