Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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