God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
