Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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