I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
