I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we made out on top of his cat.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
