apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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