I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
