Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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