so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
