i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
