def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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