the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
