he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
