how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
