Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
