i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
