Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
