so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
