get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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