My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
