But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
