Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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