Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
