Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
