i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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