Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
