She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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