No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
