when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My ATM looks so different sober.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
