you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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