even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
