the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
