..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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