Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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