Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
