Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
