Swine flu is the new snow day.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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