apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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