i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
